Policeman believes in law and order in a curiously innocent way. He believes in it more than does the public he serves. Law and order is afterall the magic from which he derives his power, individual power which he cherishes as nearly all men cherish individual power. And yet there is always smoldering resentment against the public he serves. They are at the same time his ward and his prey. As wards they are ungreatful , abbusive and demanding. As prey they are slippery and dangerous, full of guile. As soon as one is in the policeman's clutches the mechanism of the society the policeman defends marshals all its resources to cheat him of his prize. The fix is put in by politicians. Judges give linent suspended sentences to the worst hoodlums. Governors of the states and sometimes president himself give full pardons, assuming that respected lawyers have not already won his acquittal. After a time the cop learns. Why should he not collect the fees these hoodlums are paying? He needs it more. His childern, why should they not go to college? Why shouldn't his wife shop in more expensive places? Why shouldn't he himself get the vacation at desired place? After all he risks his life and that is NO JOKE.
But usually he draws the line against accepting dirty grafts. He will tke money to let a bookmaker operate. He will take money from a man who hates getting fine for parking or speeding. He will allow prostitutes to ply their trade; for a consideration. These are vices natural to a man. BUT he will not take a payoff for drugs, armed robberies, rape murder and other assorted perversions. In his mind these attack the very core of his personal authority and cannot be countenanced.
Thats a complete reasonableness...!!
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Thursday, March 4, 2010
12th feb ‘10...morning 7.30: As usual mom trying to wake me up, And I am not in a mood to come out of my deep sombre. But today it was different from her routine wakeup call.
Mom: Wake up it’s your birthday today and you are now 9 months old.
Me: huh?? Huh!![Face turned away from previous position..Now facing a wall]
My sub-conscious mind tries to communicate with me as I hear the words birthday and 9 months. After gaining a partial control over my consciousness i could only figure out that ‘ok it is not my birthday today and of course i am not a nine months baby’. .but how can she forget this?
Aargh!! ..A strange feeling of confusion and irritation was holding me back from entering into my beloved dream world again. Something was wrong. So, forcefully I placed sub-consciousness in the backdrop and made a conscious attempt to decipher the words by mom.
Ohhkayy...now I get it. Today 9 months are completed to my resurrection according to mom, to which even I am in consensus with. Yes resurrection, truly it was. Something which is not answerable by science or maths and has a controlling power indefinable can be related to the term supernatural or resurrection in my case.
Sequencing all the scenes together with the usual clichéd and not so different events, definitely leading towards the same direction, still gives rise to the most unsought and a never seen before climax. No doubt, life is the biggest film ever produced whose sole director, producer, writer is never known. He is powerful enough to never to come on screen and still have the controlling power of directing all the countless films with their own nexus acting as synergy for their own climax. The best part is that we think that we are our own director of journey called life but nevertheless we are pseudo –directors and nothing more. We don’t decide how long our show will go on, the climax is pre-decided. Nobody knows whether it ends here or NOT. Sometimes he gives us a chance to realise this fact and i have got a glimpse of it in my case.
Today nine months are completed to the hell ride and the pains related to it. My mind drifts back and still everything is there in my head lucidly. So, I am certain that this hasn’t led to memory loss of any kind, may it be short term or long term except one black out.
This is how it starts...
11th may ’09, few hours before the blood-shed and war for life:
I was in hostel bidding farewell to everybody, so went out somewhere and came back late. It was hostel night or something as i recall so loud music and everybody was on their ecstatic pitch. Arrangement of so called special food was there in mess, but had no intentions of returning home with a bad taste so skipped dinner. Looking at the time it was considerably late to start packing. So finally around 2 started to dump all the mess in my room into bags. Now, around 3 Thadi’s culinary delicacies were calling me to satiate my hunger. But, looking at the need of the hour packing luggage was nothing less than a herculean task, so flunked the usual thadi time too. Somehow around 5 i finished giving my room a makeover and once which used to be a fully messed up place was now a clean and empty space. It was already 5 or 5.30 so looking at the timing restrictions which i had to follow sleeping was a bad idea. Hence, it was written in that night’s script that this has to be a sleepless night. Around 8 i had to catch a bus to agra and from there train for my home station was in the afternoon. Final good-bye to friends and i hopped on my seat into the bus. First time in my life i was having luggage ideally sufficient for 3 people, 5 gigantic bags plus laptop. That was the time when i realised how much difficult it is to be a coolie. Now, finally there i was in the waiting room of agra station in the shear excitation to go home.
The director has a plan for everything and we have a habit of giving it the name of incidence or co-incidence. While i was waiting, out of nowhere there comes this guy avinash who was also in my train and was going to my place. What a co-incidence! This guy was a native of jaipur and studying at Aurangabad and i was studying at jaipur and a native of Aurangabad. Co-incidence once again. And now Indian railways had planned for both of us to travel in the same boogie and seats next to each other. There goes one more in the list of co-incidences. Few minutes left for our train and then i realise “damn, i don’t have a single penny in my cell phone”. So i call anshul from this guy’s number to get me some balance. Now, this part has a major role in the whole plan. Very less time left so i had no other option than calling jaipur that to from his number, Which later was used to inform about my absconding from the train and hence to send the patrolling team of friends to zhansi. I would call this a co-incidence happened incidentally. A point worth mentioning here is that Mr. Avinash also has a major role in recovery of my luggage back from Indian railways and acting as a guardian to it in my absence. Humanity has its own role to play.
I was having a good time in the train feeling complacent about everything going well. You always need somebody to kill time in long and tiring journeys, and for me this stranger turned friend wouldn’t have been a better option. But everything going well doesn’t necessarily end well. The stage was getting ready for the new birth. But for this it has to end first, so the end was getting nearer. Around 8.30 to 9 P.M. i felt a strong pinch inside my stomach and realised that i had not eaten anything for a sizeable number of hours. So i went to pantry car to fetch something. But all this was in vain. I don’t know why despite being so much hungry i felt a strange nausea for the food. Nausea prevailed over hunger and finally i didn’t eat anything. So i was destined to be hungry for around 24 hours which is hard to imagine in my case.
SCENE 1: Turned away and started walking slowly towards my compartment. No thoughts in mind, completely blank. Only thing going on in my head was the loud rumbling of the train. The train was running with it’s that extra speed which it had reserved for covering up the delayed time during night time. The thudding sound of tracks was the only audible thing till i crossed that narrow and wobbly doorway connecting bogies. As i entered my compartment not a single soul was present in the lobby near wash basin, all empty. A strange force attracted me to the door and suddenly i turned towards the door which was open. Now, there i was at the gate, hands holding the side bars, standing on the edge. A cool breeze landed on my face giving a sense of purity and satisfaction. Nothing was visible except the stark darkness all over. I tried to gasp one more breath of that cool breeze and then....
BLACK OUT
SCENE 2: Slowly my mind starts responding as if i have been teleported somewhere. Something was wrong; i was not standing now but lied down somewhere, and the floor beneath me was definitely not feeling soft. I could feel my body was wet with something. Gently i tried to open my eyes and something was dripping down from my head over my eyes straight on the ground. Still i was completely numb. Few seconds were gone and then i realised i was not in the train and was lying down on the rock bed near the railway tracks. I could not believe myself, not at all. So, i tried to turn my head and tried to convince myself that this isn’t true. But, no i was wrong. As i turned i saw a train moving terribly fast. What? What is this? i was in train just now. How did i come here? Now this is what i call transition from un-consciousness to consciousness with a kick straight on your heart. It felt horrible and devastating. But the show had just begun. A question popped up in my head, am i dead? No cause then i sensed the existence of my body parts and my awkward posture. Suddenly as i turned my head towards left i felt the most terrible fear i had ever experienced. I was thrown on the adjacent tracks and was lying on my chest. The worst part was my upper body was inside the tracks and lower body outside. So, no doubt if a train had come at that time it would have easily sliced me into two pieces. May be this is what we call death straight IN YOUR FACE. I felt like squealing out of fear but couldn’t as my face was wet with something. Slowly i looked down and realised that it was blood coming all the way from my head. It had drenched my face completely and was flowing continuously like a rivulet of water. I looked at my hands and i could not recognise my right hand as my own as something terrible had happened to it. Needless to say even in that utter darkness red was the colour of the night. Next, i sensed that my right leg was buried under the hard rock bed near the tracks. That pain is inexplicable. All the parts in my body were in a fight amongst themselves to prove whose pain is superior. My right ankle was somewhat detached from its position and fingers in weird position. But the pain which won this fight was head. Imagine somebody makes you stand still and then hits your head with an iron hammer, it felt like that. Now the first task in front of me was to move my body away from the tracks. I tried but all in vain. Except being able to turn head i could not move any of the body parts even to an inches distance. No other option left other than lying down there and hoping for somebody to come. My next task was to stay awake. And despite bearing all that condition i could successfully avoid un-consciousness. We usually cry when we feel utmost pain but this was way ahead of state of crying. I had this strong feeling in my mind that this won’t be the end of life. It was a war with my own self. Whole body was broken into pieces from inside and was trying to break my heart too. But it has been aptly said that it’s not about how hard you get hit, it’s all about how hard you can take it. And you cannot know this unless you get hit. So what was the way out for me? Somebody has to see me. But, how can that happen? It was utter darkness everywhere and a dead silence making it more gruesome. As i said you can always expect that what is unexpected. At one side far away i saw a dim neon lamp.
SCENE 3: After a long waiting time i saw a few people coming towards me. I am saying long time because though the waiting period might be of 5 to10 minutes but each minute felt like a year and every second felt like an exhausting war. They lifted me roughly and put me on the ground below the light. I started blinking and could see that i was surrounded by a bunch of people who were mumbling something. I also saw 3-4 men in military uniform which somehow felt like a relief. My vision was blurred with continuously flowing blood. Now, one of them asked me, “kyu kuda tu?” (Why did you jump from the train?). Speaking even a single word in that condition was the last thing i wanted to do. But looking at what assumption they had made i had to fight back. I gathered all the strength left and started talking and somehow convinced them that this was not a suicide attempt. I started speaking hesitantly and told them my train name and other details. I also told them to take out my wallet and mobile from my pocket. After looking at ID cards and dad’s card they were pretty convinced. Immediately they took me to a MH (Military hospital) nearby and made me sit on a table. I was feeling tremendous pain. The doctor examined my head closely and gave me a primary assistance then informed his fellow men to take me to zhansi (28 kms distance) as it was not possible to treat me over there. He wrapped my head in a bandage and put me in an army van. I was just about to faint or sleep when i heard the guy in front seat calling my home and informing about me. Then i slept or fainted, i am not sure, but my eyes were closed.
SCENE 4: I opened my eyes and found myself lying on a sliding board which was taking me into a tunnel. I could figure out that this is MRI or CT scan because i had seen this on TV. Then they took me to a room which was compact, shabby and suffocating. There were two beds in that room one of them was occupied by a man who had fracture on his leg and exactly above him there was a hanging lamp. This lamp was the only source of light in the whole room. Also there was only one fan which was placed strategically so that the level of suffocation is always maintained. So overall it was perfectly fulfilling the requirements of a government hospital room. But no matter how bad it was all i wanted was a soft surface to lie down without any movement. Because each movement of any body part felt like somebody was ripping me apart. Finally they kept me on the bed in an inclined position. I was wearing my blood soaked t-shirt which was constantly rubbing the wounded flesh of my back. It was something like; if you have a deep wound on your body and if that’s not enough you continuously keep hitting it again and again to make it worse. It was a pain of that sort on a macro scale. But, all these pains were nothing in front of what the director had planned for me, because the best was yet to come. Two doctors came near my bed and started mumbling something while examining my head. Then one of them told me, “son, now we are going to stitch your head, but there is one problem. There is too much of blood loss so we don’t have enough time to give you anaesthesia”. I shouted- nooo, please, not now, don’t do it. But what has to be done must be done. They started playing with my broken head and continuously inserting pointed needles all over my head. I was continuously squealing and shouting and telling them to stop it....but it went on and on...I didn’t even had enough strength to lift my hand showing my resistance...i was helpless.. Yes now i am sure about one thing that truly it was hell and nothing can be more terrible than that. We all have heard that snakes change their skins after a specific time and it is considered that get a new life. But during this skin changing process they have to undergo inexplicable amount of pain. Now after that night i can definitely say that i feel so much connected with the snakes species for their life changing process... That was really a hell ride... Few things cannot be explained in words. It is as simple as that... Finally i had 157 stitches without making my head numb. I couldn’t sleep that night and next day when i saw friends and my father i felt a sigh of relief...
Now even if i think about it, it feels like a roller-coaster ride. If we look at the number 157 it symbolises devil’s number (1+5+7=13). I don’t know how much logical it is to think like that but somewhere at the back of mind i tend to believe that even though it signifies devil but something was there with me which helped me win this battle. I had never imagined that i might have to use wheel chair someday. Also, i had never imagined that i will have to keep steel rods in my hand to make it normal again. Trust me fantasising wolverine was not difficult after that. Though only for few days but truly it was an experience of its own kind.
I would like to thank all those actors who participated directly or indirectly for making my show go on when it was about to end.
I will tell all you people one thing. It doesn’t make a difference if you believe in THE DIRECTOR or not, your show will still go on, no doubt. But if you do believe and try to understand your journey will surely be a BLOCKBUSTER.
Mom: Wake up it’s your birthday today and you are now 9 months old.
Me: huh?? Huh!![Face turned away from previous position..Now facing a wall]
My sub-conscious mind tries to communicate with me as I hear the words birthday and 9 months. After gaining a partial control over my consciousness i could only figure out that ‘ok it is not my birthday today and of course i am not a nine months baby’. .but how can she forget this?
Aargh!! ..A strange feeling of confusion and irritation was holding me back from entering into my beloved dream world again. Something was wrong. So, forcefully I placed sub-consciousness in the backdrop and made a conscious attempt to decipher the words by mom.
Ohhkayy...now I get it. Today 9 months are completed to my resurrection according to mom, to which even I am in consensus with. Yes resurrection, truly it was. Something which is not answerable by science or maths and has a controlling power indefinable can be related to the term supernatural or resurrection in my case.
Sequencing all the scenes together with the usual clichéd and not so different events, definitely leading towards the same direction, still gives rise to the most unsought and a never seen before climax. No doubt, life is the biggest film ever produced whose sole director, producer, writer is never known. He is powerful enough to never to come on screen and still have the controlling power of directing all the countless films with their own nexus acting as synergy for their own climax. The best part is that we think that we are our own director of journey called life but nevertheless we are pseudo –directors and nothing more. We don’t decide how long our show will go on, the climax is pre-decided. Nobody knows whether it ends here or NOT. Sometimes he gives us a chance to realise this fact and i have got a glimpse of it in my case.
Today nine months are completed to the hell ride and the pains related to it. My mind drifts back and still everything is there in my head lucidly. So, I am certain that this hasn’t led to memory loss of any kind, may it be short term or long term except one black out.
This is how it starts...
11th may ’09, few hours before the blood-shed and war for life:
I was in hostel bidding farewell to everybody, so went out somewhere and came back late. It was hostel night or something as i recall so loud music and everybody was on their ecstatic pitch. Arrangement of so called special food was there in mess, but had no intentions of returning home with a bad taste so skipped dinner. Looking at the time it was considerably late to start packing. So finally around 2 started to dump all the mess in my room into bags. Now, around 3 Thadi’s culinary delicacies were calling me to satiate my hunger. But, looking at the need of the hour packing luggage was nothing less than a herculean task, so flunked the usual thadi time too. Somehow around 5 i finished giving my room a makeover and once which used to be a fully messed up place was now a clean and empty space. It was already 5 or 5.30 so looking at the timing restrictions which i had to follow sleeping was a bad idea. Hence, it was written in that night’s script that this has to be a sleepless night. Around 8 i had to catch a bus to agra and from there train for my home station was in the afternoon. Final good-bye to friends and i hopped on my seat into the bus. First time in my life i was having luggage ideally sufficient for 3 people, 5 gigantic bags plus laptop. That was the time when i realised how much difficult it is to be a coolie. Now, finally there i was in the waiting room of agra station in the shear excitation to go home.
The director has a plan for everything and we have a habit of giving it the name of incidence or co-incidence. While i was waiting, out of nowhere there comes this guy avinash who was also in my train and was going to my place. What a co-incidence! This guy was a native of jaipur and studying at Aurangabad and i was studying at jaipur and a native of Aurangabad. Co-incidence once again. And now Indian railways had planned for both of us to travel in the same boogie and seats next to each other. There goes one more in the list of co-incidences. Few minutes left for our train and then i realise “damn, i don’t have a single penny in my cell phone”. So i call anshul from this guy’s number to get me some balance. Now, this part has a major role in the whole plan. Very less time left so i had no other option than calling jaipur that to from his number, Which later was used to inform about my absconding from the train and hence to send the patrolling team of friends to zhansi. I would call this a co-incidence happened incidentally. A point worth mentioning here is that Mr. Avinash also has a major role in recovery of my luggage back from Indian railways and acting as a guardian to it in my absence. Humanity has its own role to play.
I was having a good time in the train feeling complacent about everything going well. You always need somebody to kill time in long and tiring journeys, and for me this stranger turned friend wouldn’t have been a better option. But everything going well doesn’t necessarily end well. The stage was getting ready for the new birth. But for this it has to end first, so the end was getting nearer. Around 8.30 to 9 P.M. i felt a strong pinch inside my stomach and realised that i had not eaten anything for a sizeable number of hours. So i went to pantry car to fetch something. But all this was in vain. I don’t know why despite being so much hungry i felt a strange nausea for the food. Nausea prevailed over hunger and finally i didn’t eat anything. So i was destined to be hungry for around 24 hours which is hard to imagine in my case.
SCENE 1: Turned away and started walking slowly towards my compartment. No thoughts in mind, completely blank. Only thing going on in my head was the loud rumbling of the train. The train was running with it’s that extra speed which it had reserved for covering up the delayed time during night time. The thudding sound of tracks was the only audible thing till i crossed that narrow and wobbly doorway connecting bogies. As i entered my compartment not a single soul was present in the lobby near wash basin, all empty. A strange force attracted me to the door and suddenly i turned towards the door which was open. Now, there i was at the gate, hands holding the side bars, standing on the edge. A cool breeze landed on my face giving a sense of purity and satisfaction. Nothing was visible except the stark darkness all over. I tried to gasp one more breath of that cool breeze and then....
BLACK OUT
SCENE 2: Slowly my mind starts responding as if i have been teleported somewhere. Something was wrong; i was not standing now but lied down somewhere, and the floor beneath me was definitely not feeling soft. I could feel my body was wet with something. Gently i tried to open my eyes and something was dripping down from my head over my eyes straight on the ground. Still i was completely numb. Few seconds were gone and then i realised i was not in the train and was lying down on the rock bed near the railway tracks. I could not believe myself, not at all. So, i tried to turn my head and tried to convince myself that this isn’t true. But, no i was wrong. As i turned i saw a train moving terribly fast. What? What is this? i was in train just now. How did i come here? Now this is what i call transition from un-consciousness to consciousness with a kick straight on your heart. It felt horrible and devastating. But the show had just begun. A question popped up in my head, am i dead? No cause then i sensed the existence of my body parts and my awkward posture. Suddenly as i turned my head towards left i felt the most terrible fear i had ever experienced. I was thrown on the adjacent tracks and was lying on my chest. The worst part was my upper body was inside the tracks and lower body outside. So, no doubt if a train had come at that time it would have easily sliced me into two pieces. May be this is what we call death straight IN YOUR FACE. I felt like squealing out of fear but couldn’t as my face was wet with something. Slowly i looked down and realised that it was blood coming all the way from my head. It had drenched my face completely and was flowing continuously like a rivulet of water. I looked at my hands and i could not recognise my right hand as my own as something terrible had happened to it. Needless to say even in that utter darkness red was the colour of the night. Next, i sensed that my right leg was buried under the hard rock bed near the tracks. That pain is inexplicable. All the parts in my body were in a fight amongst themselves to prove whose pain is superior. My right ankle was somewhat detached from its position and fingers in weird position. But the pain which won this fight was head. Imagine somebody makes you stand still and then hits your head with an iron hammer, it felt like that. Now the first task in front of me was to move my body away from the tracks. I tried but all in vain. Except being able to turn head i could not move any of the body parts even to an inches distance. No other option left other than lying down there and hoping for somebody to come. My next task was to stay awake. And despite bearing all that condition i could successfully avoid un-consciousness. We usually cry when we feel utmost pain but this was way ahead of state of crying. I had this strong feeling in my mind that this won’t be the end of life. It was a war with my own self. Whole body was broken into pieces from inside and was trying to break my heart too. But it has been aptly said that it’s not about how hard you get hit, it’s all about how hard you can take it. And you cannot know this unless you get hit. So what was the way out for me? Somebody has to see me. But, how can that happen? It was utter darkness everywhere and a dead silence making it more gruesome. As i said you can always expect that what is unexpected. At one side far away i saw a dim neon lamp.
SCENE 3: After a long waiting time i saw a few people coming towards me. I am saying long time because though the waiting period might be of 5 to10 minutes but each minute felt like a year and every second felt like an exhausting war. They lifted me roughly and put me on the ground below the light. I started blinking and could see that i was surrounded by a bunch of people who were mumbling something. I also saw 3-4 men in military uniform which somehow felt like a relief. My vision was blurred with continuously flowing blood. Now, one of them asked me, “kyu kuda tu?” (Why did you jump from the train?). Speaking even a single word in that condition was the last thing i wanted to do. But looking at what assumption they had made i had to fight back. I gathered all the strength left and started talking and somehow convinced them that this was not a suicide attempt. I started speaking hesitantly and told them my train name and other details. I also told them to take out my wallet and mobile from my pocket. After looking at ID cards and dad’s card they were pretty convinced. Immediately they took me to a MH (Military hospital) nearby and made me sit on a table. I was feeling tremendous pain. The doctor examined my head closely and gave me a primary assistance then informed his fellow men to take me to zhansi (28 kms distance) as it was not possible to treat me over there. He wrapped my head in a bandage and put me in an army van. I was just about to faint or sleep when i heard the guy in front seat calling my home and informing about me. Then i slept or fainted, i am not sure, but my eyes were closed.
SCENE 4: I opened my eyes and found myself lying on a sliding board which was taking me into a tunnel. I could figure out that this is MRI or CT scan because i had seen this on TV. Then they took me to a room which was compact, shabby and suffocating. There were two beds in that room one of them was occupied by a man who had fracture on his leg and exactly above him there was a hanging lamp. This lamp was the only source of light in the whole room. Also there was only one fan which was placed strategically so that the level of suffocation is always maintained. So overall it was perfectly fulfilling the requirements of a government hospital room. But no matter how bad it was all i wanted was a soft surface to lie down without any movement. Because each movement of any body part felt like somebody was ripping me apart. Finally they kept me on the bed in an inclined position. I was wearing my blood soaked t-shirt which was constantly rubbing the wounded flesh of my back. It was something like; if you have a deep wound on your body and if that’s not enough you continuously keep hitting it again and again to make it worse. It was a pain of that sort on a macro scale. But, all these pains were nothing in front of what the director had planned for me, because the best was yet to come. Two doctors came near my bed and started mumbling something while examining my head. Then one of them told me, “son, now we are going to stitch your head, but there is one problem. There is too much of blood loss so we don’t have enough time to give you anaesthesia”. I shouted- nooo, please, not now, don’t do it. But what has to be done must be done. They started playing with my broken head and continuously inserting pointed needles all over my head. I was continuously squealing and shouting and telling them to stop it....but it went on and on...I didn’t even had enough strength to lift my hand showing my resistance...i was helpless.. Yes now i am sure about one thing that truly it was hell and nothing can be more terrible than that. We all have heard that snakes change their skins after a specific time and it is considered that get a new life. But during this skin changing process they have to undergo inexplicable amount of pain. Now after that night i can definitely say that i feel so much connected with the snakes species for their life changing process... That was really a hell ride... Few things cannot be explained in words. It is as simple as that... Finally i had 157 stitches without making my head numb. I couldn’t sleep that night and next day when i saw friends and my father i felt a sigh of relief...
Now even if i think about it, it feels like a roller-coaster ride. If we look at the number 157 it symbolises devil’s number (1+5+7=13). I don’t know how much logical it is to think like that but somewhere at the back of mind i tend to believe that even though it signifies devil but something was there with me which helped me win this battle. I had never imagined that i might have to use wheel chair someday. Also, i had never imagined that i will have to keep steel rods in my hand to make it normal again. Trust me fantasising wolverine was not difficult after that. Though only for few days but truly it was an experience of its own kind.
I would like to thank all those actors who participated directly or indirectly for making my show go on when it was about to end.
I will tell all you people one thing. It doesn’t make a difference if you believe in THE DIRECTOR or not, your show will still go on, no doubt. But if you do believe and try to understand your journey will surely be a BLOCKBUSTER.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)